Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Fuck Buddy - Can it work?

Absolutely it can work.

 There's a lot of talk in pop culture now (including more than one romantic comedy) that this scenario never works and also that it can lead to relationships. Both of those messages need tweaking.

 I will agree that it is extremely tricky to make a "friends with benefits" situation work well, but it's not impossible. And btw, I just love that phrase "friends with benefits"! I think it's hilarious and very clever.

 It will not work if either party has real feelings for the other. If you're going into it hoping to turn it into something more, hoping to get the guy's attention and make him fall in love with you, that's going to be a disaster. I won't say that never happens, but I've never heard of it happening in real life, never seen it happen. I've seen too often women thinking that if they give the guy sex, then he'll fall for them while the guy thinks they're just doing the friends with benefits thing and never realizes that she's in pain.

 If you want something more from the guy than sex, don't agree to a fuck buddy arrangement. You'll drive yourself crazy. Much better to be honest with the guy and tell him that you like him and see potential between you.

 I've had a very successful fuck buddy relationship. It started with OkCupid, the online dating site. Of all the online dating sites I've tried, this is my favorite. It is free, which is great (although that does allow for a high percentage of crazy), and the matching is done mathematically and logically instead of by feel like so many other sites. Also, a high percentage of geeks there and I adore geeky men.

 I was browsing one day this summer when I saw a profile that was only a 50% match with me. That's pretty terrible. However, we had an unusual interest in common, so I emailed him anyway just to chat about it. To my surprise, he wrote back and we set up a date.

 We had two lovely dates, but even though he did all the right things, it was very clear to me quickly that we had absolutely no future. He was not geeky at all and we had very different ideas of what's fun and what we want in the future, etc. Everything about it said there was no future. I didn't even feel a desire to try to make anything work. But he was nice and I enjoyed spending time with him and we had great physical chemistry. 

So we started seeing each other just for sex. Which was fantastic. Neither one of us had to worry about checking in with the other person, keeping in contact with texts, asking about the other's day, but whenever I felt horny and frustrated, I could text him and that was that. I'd go over to his house and he'd cook me dinner, we would watch a movie on his couch, then he would light candles, play music, and we'd have awesome sex. (No one else has ever lit candles and played music for me before!) It was perfect because we both knew that we weren't ever going to be in love or in a relationship.

It's nice to have someone you can turn to when you're horny. Of course I masturbate, but I just don't find that very satisfying. I want human touch and kissing and all that stuff! The arrangement came to a natural end when he moved away in December. We're still friends in the sense of posting on Facebook and texting occasionally. It really was the ideal fuck buddy situation!

Friday, January 27, 2012


I've always been drawn to men who were older than I and had never dated anyone even a single day younger until this year.

A few months ago a guy five years younger than me asked me out and I went with it.  I'm 29 and he is 24. My expectation was that I would find him too immature. After all, he's younger than my little brother! However, that did not turn out to be the case. In many ways it did feel like we were the same age.

Honestly, it's not that much of a gap. It just looks wider because of how young we are.

On our first date I asked how old he thought I was and his guess was 27. Not too bad :) I told him the truth and he wasn't bothered by it.

Eventually we did split because of being in such different places in our lives and needing different things from a lover.  But before that I found it rather hilarious when we were in bed together and he told me that based on my enthusiasm for sex, he would think I was 23.

This comment interested me because it revealed an interesting assumption.

For men it might be true that late teenage years and early twenties are when they are most sexual, most full of lust and desire, most easily turned on.  We seem to forget that that's not true of women. At least, on average. Being on the cusp of turning 30 I can say that I believe the research that says women experience all of that sexual peak energy at around this age!

In terms of sexual compatibility, an early twenties guy and an early thirties girl are likely to be a good match.


Welcome to my blog!

I'm a writer just starting to branch into erotic stories. I've written literary and romance in the past, but I love sex and I want to bring the joy of sex to my writing.

Here I will tell stories from my own dating life and share excerpts from my fiction.

For some background on me...

I grew up in a conservative culture in North America with a strong "no sex until marriage" message. Not an uncommon experience.

I had a lot of terror built up about it, which meant that I was still a virgin at 24. Saying that I wouldn't sleep with someone until I got married was an easy way to avoid facing the fact that I was scared of it.

In particular I was scared of the vulnerability of allowing someone else to be inside of me.

At that point, being in graduate school and far from home, I decided I was ready to do it. Easier said than done! It took about six months of consistent effort with a boyfriend I loved before I was able to lose my virginity.

When I finally did it, I was disappointed. It didn't seem that special. I didn't see why it is such a powerful force in the experience of life.

It took several more years and other partners before I began to like it and soon I was loving it. Now my preference is daily sex. I make it a priority in my life.

The teenage girl I was would be horrified at the woman I've become at 30, but this woman is happier in every way than that teenager was! So I feel like I'm on the right track.